Befriend Yourself

Our self-talk has a big impact on our experience of life, our well-being and therefore our children's. The good news is yoga can help us establish healthier self-talk!

Many of us suffer from negative self-talk, where our inner dialogue centers around negative messages and beliefs about ourselves. While reflecting on past experience and behavior can be a necessary pre-requisite for making positive changes, negative self-talk is harmful in a number of ways. It reinforces negative, often untrue, beliefs, fears and feelings, and undermines our confidence. It creates tension and constriction in the body, breath, and mind.

Like many people, I’ve struggled with negative self-talk and insecurity. One particular example from my early 20s stands out in my mind. I was on a cycling holiday in France with my long standing boyfriend. Cycling all day through beautiful scenery gave me plenty of space for reflection and dreaming about what could be and by the end of the day I was itching to put these thoughts to paper. It all came out in a big gush; a list of ways I could be better—how I could look better, be fitter, be more successful at work. The list filled the page and I showed it to my partner with some vulnerability but also excitement as I felt I had cracked the code to my life. His reaction was a revelation—“why do you want to change everything about yourself?” I was shocked that he didn’t think I needed to make these changes and also that he didn’t think in this way about himself. It was the first time I glimpsed that there could be a different way. One where I was fundamentally good enough.

I began to notice how I spoke to myself and how harshly I judged myself when I failed to meet a standard that I set for myself, however I still wasn’t convinced that this voice was wrong. It wasn’t until I found yoga that I gained the self-awareness and tools to change this habitual and unhelpful way of thinking.

Yoga teaches us that we all are good and whole as we are. At the center of each of us is an inner light of awareness that is constant, pure and represents unconditional love. The greeting “Namaste” that is shared at the end of a yoga class can be translated as “the light and love in me sees and honors the light and love in you” and recognizes this inner light in us all. Unfortunately we get distracted by the sights, sounds and expectations of the external world and forget this truth. When we become disconnected from our true nature, we start to judge ourselves against externally imposed standards and we suffer.

Motherhood, with its many and shifting external expectations, is ripe with opportunities for us to lose this connection and to judge ourselves and others harshly when we don’t meet them. We receive many, often contradictory, messages on how we should parent our children, how we should live, work, eat, and look. It is all too easy for us to feel like we are failing in some area and to criticize ourselves for it. We are often much harder on ourselves than we would ever be on our family or friends.

Negative self-talk makes us feel bad. It lessens the joy and contentment we feel in our lives. It keeps us busy and disconnected from ourselves and others as we rush to try and meet externally imposed, unrealistic ideals. It limits our dreams and keeps us smaller than we are. 

It also affects those around us, especially our children. Even if we are good at hiding our thoughts, our children are highly attuned to our emotions and energy and are affected by our subtle cues—the tension we are holding in our bodies, our shallow breathing, and our lack of confidence. 

Reframing our self-talk to be more positive doesn’t mean that we stop growing. In fact, yoga guides us to self-actualization i.e. reaching our potential. When we treat ourselves with kindness and recognize our humanity, we are able to see ourselves more clearly, to acknowledge our emotions and make changes from a place of wholeness. For example, if we shout or are impatient with our child, we can reflect on that with self compassion while holding onto the belief that we are a good person and mother. This gives us the space, clarity and confidence to make amends to our child and to seek a different approach next time. 

What would it be like to befriend yourself? To treat yourself as you would a loved one? How can you talk to yourself with more kindness, understanding and compassion? 

All yoga’s practices guide us back to our inner light of awareness—to joy, love and connection. Affirmations are one way of befriending ourselves and reconnecting to our inner light. They are short, positive, believable phrases that are stated in the present tense and the practice is to repeat them frequently, silently or aloud. They help to reprogram the brain to more positive self-talk.  The more we repeat an affirmation the greater the impact it has.  Here are a few you for you to try:

“I am enough”

“I treat myself with love and respect”

“I am a good mother”

“I am trying my best”

I invite you to practice and see what you notice. 

If you would like support in using yoga philosophy and techniques to reframe your negative self-talk, please reach out to me!